School Refusal During Back-to-School Transitions: How to Support Anxious Kids Without Reinforcing Avoidance
Back-to-school season often brings a mix of excitement and nerves for students. But for some children, particularly those with anxiety, the transition can lead to something more serious: school refusal. This behavior, characterized by a persistent reluctance or refusal to attend school, is not uncommon during the first few weeks of the academic year. For parents, understanding the balance between validating a child’s fears and not reinforcing avoidant behavior is key to preventing long-term challenges.
Why School Refusal Happens
School refusal can stem from a range of underlying issues, with anxiety being one of the most common. The start of a new school year presents various triggers for anxiety-prone children—new routines, unfamiliar classmates or teachers, social pressures, and academic expectations can all exacerbate existing fears.
For a child struggling with anxiety, these challenges can feel overwhelming. Physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, or even panic attacks may arise as the anxiety manifests in a tangible way. When a child’s anxiety reaches this point, the natural response might be to avoid the source of the discomfort—in this case, school.
The Importance of Validation
For parents, seeing their child experience these intense emotions can be heart-wrenching. It’s tempting to step in, offer immediate relief, and let them stay home to avoid further stress. However, while allowing a child to stay home might provide temporary comfort, it can inadvertently reinforce the idea that avoidance is the best solution.
Instead, parents need to focus on validating their child’s fears. This involves acknowledging that what they’re feeling is anxiety, that it is understandable and valid (whether you agree with their reasons for avoiding school or not), and that feeling scared in these situations is normal, and something you can work through together. Validation does not mean agreeing that the child should avoid school; rather, it’s about creating a safe space for them to express their feelings and ensuring they feel heard and understood rather than dismissed, ignored, or criticized for feeling this way.
Phrases like, “I see that going to school is really hard for you,” or “It’s okay to feel nervous about the new year, and we’ll face it together,” can make a huge difference. The goal is to communicate that while the fears are acknowledged, the solution lies in confronting rather than avoiding them.
The Risks of Accommodation
Though validating feelings is crucial, parents should avoid accommodating the anxious behavior by allowing school refusal to persist. When a child consistently avoids situations that trigger their anxiety, it reinforces the belief that those situations are dangerous or intolerable, making the fears grow stronger over time. Each day a child misses school, the idea of returning becomes more daunting, potentially leading to increased anxiety and even academic decline. Reminding children of your “absolute no’s” can be helpful here. These are times when I communicate (along with validation) the bottom line; in this case, that not going to school is not an option. This always comes after validation to protect the child from feeling dismissed or ignored. This could sound like, “It makes sense that you’d rather stay home because of your worries about X (missing someone at home; fitting in; making new friends; having a new teacher; all the new rules; etc.)/stomach aches/not feeling well. I understand; it can feel really uncomfortable getting used to change/new routines. I believe in you, and we’re going to work through it together because (bottom line/absolute no) in this house, we only stay home from school if there’s a fever or doctor’s orders.”
Some parents may find this harsh, and I can see why. Some children may never take advantage of the opportunity to stay home, so parents may be more flexible with allowing a day off from school here and there if these kids have minor complaints. These kids often happily and without much resistance return to school after a day off and everything will persist along as usual. On the other hand, if your child has a pattern of requesting days off, being too ill to attend school but seemingly fine all day at home, or reluctance to separate from parents/caregivers, then it is important to set clear and consistent boundaries that may feel harsh but are in fact protective for both parent and child.
Without any rational reason to fear school (and there are some, in some areas/schools – i.e., presence of violence/weapons, threats of harm, bullying, witnessing violence), the avoidance of school represents an irrational fear. Allowing a child to stay home reinforces in the brain via neural pathways that school should be feared, and staying home feels safer. This reinforcement becomes stronger and stronger, like layer after layer of a foundation, every time the fear is accommodated. Of course, it feels awful “allowing” your child to experience fear and suffering rather than save them from it. However, what we’re doing when we firmly stand in the way of accommodating that fear is expressing to the child that we believe in them, we know they can do it, and we’re helping them build the confidence to get to those same conclusions. These are hard, but good lessons.
The longer school refusal goes unaddressed, the harder it can be for the child to reintegrate. This can lead to a cycle of avoidance that becomes difficult to break, resulting in more severe symptoms like chronic absenteeism or social withdrawal. Over time, untreated anxiety can impact a child’s overall mental health, self-esteem, and ability to cope with other stressors. I cannot stress enough; it is much easier to undo these patterns before they become entrenched. For ongoing or chronic school refusal, the support of a clinical psychologist or regulated mental health professional is recommended.
Finding the Balance: Validation Without Avoidance
So how can parents support their anxious child without reinforcing school refusal? The answer lies in a balanced approach:
Validate feelings but encourage action: Parents should listen to their child’s fears without dismissing them. However, the focus should remain on validation and taking steps forward.
Collaborate on coping strategies: Helping a child develop coping strategies, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or visualization, can empower them to manage their anxiety in the moment. Parents can practice these techniques with their child and remind them to use them when feelings of anxiety arise at school. Sometimes behavioural interventions like bringing a picture of the family or parent(s) are also useful.
Establish a routine: Children with anxiety often thrive with predictability. Establishing a morning routine, maintaining consistent sleep patterns, and setting clear expectations for school attendance can help reduce uncertainty and ease the transition. Incentivizing with rewards is particularly useful if trying to establish compliance with working against fears.
Seek professional support if necessary: If school refusal persists or the anxiety seems overwhelming, it may be helpful to consult with a regulated therapist or counselor. Parenting support and Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is often effective in helping children manage anxiety by changing negative thought patterns and behaviors.
Conclusion
Back-to-school transitions can be challenging for children with anxiety, and school refusal is a common reaction to these overwhelming feelings. However, parents play a critical role in helping their children face these fears rather than avoiding them. By validating their child’s concerns without accommodating avoidant behavior, parents can help prevent anxiety from worsening, while helping build their child’s confidence and teaching them valuable coping skills for life.
Early intervention and support can make all the difference in a child’s ability to navigate the school year with confidence.
- Dr. Laura